Forgiveness: divine or just difficult?

Apr 11, 2025

My previous message on anger struck a chord with some readers. This message features its partner: forgiveness. According to songwriters and poets, ‘sorry’ is one of the most difficult words in any language. Like anger, forgiveness is something we have all experienced, as both originators and recipients, at some point in our lives. To a few, to forgive is effortless; to the majority, it makes us feel weak and vulnerable, threatened and powerless. Sharing a close, complex relationship with anger, forgiveness is a highly nuanced and culturally constructed concept that can mean many different things in different contexts. It may be as simple as relieving oneself of a burden of guilt through an act of contrition, or it may contribute to broad social harmony through a system of complex interpersonal dynamics. Forgiveness is both intrapersonal and interpersonal.

As children, we are often raised to see forgiveness as essentially transactional: we make a mistake, express sorrow, and receive forgiveness. This is a well-known formula that children carry into adult life. The worldly-wise among us may sin intentionally, cynically anticipating forgiveness in due course. Sadly, the ‘sorry game’ is well known to many of us.

In the dynamic flow of adult human interaction, behavioral transgressions may generate moral or emotional debts. When a transgression becomes an impediment to interaction between individuals or groups, procedural forgiveness is often the only way to restore normality. A debt is owed, and payment is due: in words, deeds, materials, sometimes even blood. At the extreme end of this spectrum, we may find the absence of forgiveness at the heart of many of the historical grievances that plague humankind.

The idea that a transgression against someone creates an obligation in the form of a debt is common across human civilizations. Complex practices and rituals aimed at the redemption of such debts abound throughout history. The languages of the world are rich with the vocabulary of forgiveness. For example, we well understand terms such as regret, repentance, redemption, contrition, atonement, absolution, pardon, acquittal, exculpation, apology, penitence. These concepts form the essence of societal systems of justice and punishment. In many cultures, the guilty seek refuge in faith, appealing to a higher spiritual authority for true forgiveness.

Alexander Pope’s epic work, An Essay on Criticism, offers the famous line, ‘To err is human, to forgive is divine.’ This saying is actually an appeal to sanctimonious critics, urging them to withhold harsh words when faced with dull, lifeless prose. Invoking the divine, this saying has unintentionally acquired a metaphysical meaning for many. It is at heart an appeal to the reader to be the better person in all things. Forgiveness can be seen as a lofty ideal, situated at the pinnacle of the human emotional hierarchy. If our transgressions betray our human frailty, forgiveness, if not divine, is sublime.

In its purest form, forgiveness is an expression of selflessness, transcending the tawdry transactional calculation necessary to settle a debt. It is a manifestation of grace in human form, that is both emotional and spiritual. Forgiveness is a choice, not a duty; it demands courage and sacrifice. The price of forgiveness is borne by its author and originator, not its beneficiary; it comes from the heart, not the head; forgiveness defies both laws and logic. Forgiveness can be likened to the world of quantum physics in its defiance of natural laws that entangles souls in ways that cannot be described by the physical interactions between two people. Forgiveness creates its own emotional weather, oblivious to its surrounds; it obeys its own rules. Forgiveness is not the surgical blade of justice; rather, it is the healing balm of recovery. Forgiveness can never change the past, but it can shape a different future.

How do we go about forgiving someone? Or ourselves, for that matter? Setting aside our hurts and grievances, our anger at injustice, and our anguish over offence and insult is an exacting, painful process. Self-forgiveness is even harder. Rising above our natural inclination to return hurt with hurt is an advanced skill in the curriculum of life. Yet it offers the promise of restorative healing that is not a zero-sum game. In giving, we gain ourselves. It is an emotional form of fusion, rather than fission, that can generate an output of positive energy far in excess of the effort required. 

Finding forgiveness for others and ourselves can be a taxing, a soul-searching task. Yet, at its conclusion, the prospect of finding something extraordinary makes the emotional cost worthwhile. ‘Sorry’ may indeed be the hardest word to say, but that is because it comes at such a high price. Go ahead, enrich yourself: say “sorry” to someone and really mean it!

Dr. Malcolm Pritchard

Head of School